Independence has always been one of my strong points. I’m not a needy wife, parent or friend.
I’m realizing that my perception of myself has either been a complete lie, or myself has drastically changed when I wasn’t looking.
I miss Mr. Wright terribly. He’s in Africa and Europe for a month presenting to people who do not need him nearly as much as I do. For a month. And I’m home feeling weird and generally sort of stinky.
It’s not a longing kind of miss, it’s more like a panicky, I’m MISSING something kind of miss. I’m so used to feeling like I’ve got everything under control and that no matter what, things will work out. The thing is, I’m noticing that a lot of those feelings of comfort and control come from being around Mr. Wright.
The man emanates stability and “I will fix it if it breaks”ness. And me? I seem to constantly be breaking things. Sticking my foot in my mouth. Locking my keys in my car (it’s happened TWICE in the last two weeks – once when Teek hit the lock button and the other when Carson did it. Whatever, blaming the innocent makes me feel better).
Did I not do these things as much when he was home, or was he always fixing me? I’m really hoping that my feelings of anxiousness are a normal part of being separated from someone who’s shared my responsibilities for eleven years. It can’t be that I’m a lunatic living with someone who walks around behind me with a dust pan and an apologetic smile. It can’t be… I’m like, very with-it. At least I thought so until a few days ago.
What I’m trying to say is that I just don’t feel like Me when He’s not here. Is that pathetic? Codependant? Maybe so. I suppose it doesn’t matter, I’ll just forget I wrote this in a few hours anyway and skip along on my loony way.
Twelve days down, eighteen to go.
PS. I’m not the only one feeling weird and stinky. Blakers tearily said yesterday, “I hope he doesn’t get dead in Africa from a bear.” Me too Blake, me too.
PPS. I’ve started carrying my gun in my pants like Clint Eastwood after the kids go to bed. It’s not loaded, but I feel scarier with it. Don’t judge.