I’ll be honest, the boat makes me nervous. I’m talking rumbly in my tumbly, I-feel-like-I’m-going-to-have-diarrhea, nervous.
I know that probably sounds weird…why in the heck would a boat make me nervous? Let me tell you:
- The trailer is scary. It’s long, and it’s unpredictable, and there are other people driving around you. They are basically moving targets. Or sometimes they’re parked targets. In that case you just leave a sad note telling them how sorry you are that you just hit them. And then you tell them that you’re cute and very fragile. And that you hope they’re not big, and/or Russian, and/or taking anger management classes.
- The trailer never (and I mean never) wants to go into the water the right way the first time. So you look like a completely incompetent female in a big car trying to back a trailer into the water. Pull forward, back it up. Nope, that’s not right. Pull forward, back it up. Oh, that’s worse than the first time. Pull forward, back it up again. Why are those men laughing at me? I’m telling you, it’s a lot harder than it looks.
- Docking a jet boat is annoyingly difficult. Without a rudder to guide it, the boat just kind of spins around when it’s not in gear, like a jet ski. So I’m normally spinning around in the middle of the water, laughing nervously, when I’m supposed to be pulling into the dock.
- Getting out of the boat onto the dock is also a precarious situation. Somehow you have to get from a moving boat to the dock without allowing the boat to hit the dock. The nerves almost can’t take this one. This is an example of one of my boat expulsions:
Ok, ok. I can do this. Here comes the dock. I can do this. Nice and slow.
The boat eases to the dock.
I brace myself, carefully measuring the distance between bow and dock.
Yes, this will be easy. I feel nervous and sick, but I can do this.
I bend into a tiger-like crouch (translation: I bend my knee a little), and lift one foot.
My arms go up and I leap into the air like a crane.
My swim cover-up bells airily around my legs, and I can feel my graceful decent to the dock.
I’m going to make it! No problem!
My right foot lands securely on the wet dock, but wait…
I let out a surprised Ohhf! as my foot slides out from underneath me.
I feel my right thigh hit the dock.
I’m still moving.
Sliding.
My eyes are popping out of my head, and my hands are clawing the dock.
But I slide off the dock and plop into the cold water anyway.
Gasping and spluttering, I resurface, and doggy-paddle my way back to the dock.
As I drag myself out of the water I see the duck poop smear down the front of my white swim cover-up.
True story. If I hadn’t been Ohhf-ing, and gasping and clawing, I may have gone unnoticed. But nope, every one of the people at the dock and the no-wake zone seemed to be staring/laughing hysterically at my soaking wet, duck poop smeared self. I know, I’d be laughing too.
I’m assuming that someday I’m going to get the hang of this boating thing. But for now I’m just nervous.
not to take advantage of the (snicker) situation … and you know that i (hee hee) would NEVER mock you … to your face (ha ha) or on your blog … but (tear streaming down my face) i can’t help myself (laughing right out loud) … the visual is just too perfect.
and by the way … i think you do just fine in the boat – steering and docking and such … much better than me (i don’t have a boat … but much better than i would). and you seem to be so calm while we’re floating along. shoot! you’re a fun driver too!!
you guys are awesome – the best friends ever! even before you had a boat!
I DID THE EXCAT SAME THING WHEN I GOT OFF MY BOAT. It hurt like the dickens. You will get the hang of it. I did after a couple of falls and jumps into the water. =)
Here is my boating humiliation–not once, but TWICE my father-in-law’s boat died on us (my husband and I) and we had to have somebody tow us back to the dock. So embarassing, especially since you know you’re ruining someone else’s day of fun on the lake. Fortunately that boat is now gone.
Uh huh! And you wonder why I always seem to be busy when you want me to go out on the boat with you. We are waaaaay too much like Lucy and Ethel (Frick and Frack in the words of our cake decorating instructer) to begin with. I can just see us in a mammoth, floating, accident waiting-to-happen. No. No, thank you.
I’m teasing you?????
Mommy
My dad made all us kids learn how to drive and dock the speed boat. I hated the docking and boat lauching. That’s where my dad’s four letter words would come out of his mouth. Now when he takes my kids out on the boat I make him promise to keep his colorful words to himself. My mom hates the stress of the boat so she won’t come anymore.
You know, I’ve heard that boats can actually still work with the trailer attached in the water. They’re very slow and you look pretty silly, but next time when going through all that hassle doesn’t sound fun you know there’s another option…
I can just see me in this situation and handling it even worse somehow. I think there would be crying. Or possibly cursing. Nah, probably both.
Wow I am impressed! I couldn’t do ANY of that! Well, except for the falling off the boat/dock into the cold water and getting covered with duck poop. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I could handle that.
Ha ha and EW! All at the same time :)
oh no… not a pleasant experience at all… ouch!
Well hello there. Miss you lady.