Friday night was Mr. Wright’s boys’ night out. He went to a friend’s house to play fun manly killing games.
While he was off with his friends I decided to hang out by the fire with my new book and a blanket. The kids were in bed, and I treated myself to popcorn and hot chocolate; it was a fine evening indeed.
And then it got late. And later. Before I knew it midnight had struck. I called Mr. Wright to see when he’d be home – the answer was a couple of hours. Hey, no problem, I can handle that. I’m a grown woman, and I have a Glock. Villains Beware and all that good stuff.
I went upstairs to continue my reading in bed and I brought my sleeping five year old in with me. I know he’s not going to be able to protect me, but his presence makes me feel better.
Around 1 pm I decided to take a shower and turn in. After getting dressed I found my mace and was carrying it with me to the bathroom (I know, I’m a freak) and I stuffed it in my bra while using the facilities. As I was sitting down it started to slip out, so I pushed it down through my shirt. That’s when I maced myself.
Luckily I had a shirt on and it caught most of the liquid. But I could still smell it and thanked the good Lord out loud that it hadn’t hit me anywhere else. I did get some on my hands and they were still burning even after washing them a few times.
But this isn’t the end of the story.
The next day we got up first thing and took the boys to the gym. While we were running around my hiney started to burn a little. ”Hmm, that’s odd,” I thought, “my hiney’s kinda burny.”
While we were driving home my hiney started to burn a lot. By the time we got home my rear-end was on FIRE. You know the noise babies make when they have a bad diaper rash, and they suck in and squeal like a piglet? I was making that noise.
When I got home I ran to the bathroom and found that some of the mace had gotten on my underpants. I guess when I started to sweat at the gym it came off on my hind quarters. I have never ripped off a piece of clothing so quickly in my life. After about twenty minutes the pain and squealing subsided and I was able to go on with my nightly activities.
Holy Butt Paste, Batman, I’m not sure I’d ever go near a can of that stuff again - even if my life depended on it. That was one experience I’d prefer never to repeat.
LOL…this beats my experience with the KY Warming Massage & Lubricant crap.
Oh dear!!! That is awful. And ditto to Jacki on the KY warming lubricant. Let’s just say that stuff put a hiccup in my honeymoon. Burning sensations in your nether regions are NEVER a good idea!
Jacki and Katrina – so I guess this stuff is a no-go? Thanks for tip, I had no idea!
ahh! You maced yourself? Wow. Sounds like something I would do! haha. Thankfully you didn’t get it in your eyes! :)
I know, I thought the same thing – I can’t even imagine what this stuff would do to your eyeballs!
I don’t have mace or anything… I like to live in my own dreamworld where nothing bad ever happens.
And for the record, THIS? is hilarious.
Before this I would have recommended it. It’s always made me feel more safe. Now it just gives me horrible flashbacks!
o me o my … i have laughed myself to tears here! too funny!
I thought I told you about this? You must not have gotten to Leesh’s yet. I don’t think I told the full story because her dad was there!
First of all, I was impressed at your mace and Glock preparedness. secondly, i laughed myself silly at the fact that you put your mace in your bra, because that totally sounds like something i would do, and then i just laughed and laughed and laughed when i read the rest. that was too good.
if it makes you feel any better, one very silly “scared of possibilities” thing i did was writing my husband’s name, my name, and all my contact info on his stomach with a Sharpie when he went skiing without me with his brother while i made a wedding cake for my cousin. i was so terrified that he was going to ski like a crazy man with his brother there egging him on and i wanted to make sure whatever bits of him were left could be delivered safely home to me. he still likes to tease me about that one.
I can’t believe he let you draw on him with Sharpie! That’s awesome, he must really love you!
I love your stories. This is too funny. I too maced myself and my father when I was a teenager and was babysitting my next door neighbor’s kids. I heard noises upstairs so I called my dad and we went upstairs. I had my mace ready just in case. Then walking back down the stairs I accidently pressed the buttton. It sprayed in front of me but happened to fast we walked right into it. Not good, not good. I can feel your pain.
See, so I’m not the only one who freaks out! Better safe than sorry, right?
Sounds like the dork list just got a little bit longer. I mean that in a nice way, as I have a thus far unpublished dork list myself.
I can’t wait to read it!
Well … it’s nice to know that the stuff really works – at least you know that. I love the thought of you carrying it to the bathroom with you in your own house – just made me laugh a bit. Take care and I’ll see you soon. Kellan
Yeah, now I know I’ll do some damage with it – just hopefully not to myself again! And I have to carry it to the bathroom, that’s where all the really creepy stuff happens in the movies…
I can’t believe this actually happened to you! Even funnier that you stuffed it in your bra while using the facilities!! Oh, Nicki. It is a wonder anyone works for the police dept. Did you know Chris actually had to be sprayed with this stuff as part of his training? They all have to know how it feels, I guess so they will have more compassion when using it? No, probably so they can man up when it actually hits them in the act of subduing the criminals!!
I can’t believe those guys can take it – you have to be one tough cookie. Did you know Chris bought that stuff for me from his work? I still have it some odd years later. I finally got to use it…unfortunately it was on myself!
Yup, definitely have to trade notes! I have met several people who are just like me and Peter. Who needs “Stars, They Are Just Like Us” when I can find real people like me?
I agree – although I haven’t met as many wives who are into the technical stuff. Not that I’m all that technical!
That will teach your ‘private area’ to try to attack you. Watch out for the boobs, though.
Good advice, they can be dangerous.
That sounds really painful. And really funny.
Yes it was…painful during and funny after!
Stop it…. oh my gosh…. just stop it. Are you serious? LOL. Cute blog you have here. :)
Unfortunately, I am totally and completely serious. I seem to be a magnet for all things ridiculous. And thank you! I really like yours too.
I? am **laughing my ass off***
Well, it may not be quality, but it’s entertainment!
That is so stinking funny! I have had a great laugh at your butts expense. Thanks for that.
My butt is honored to have tickled your funny bone. Oh man, my husband’s humor is rubbing off on me!
Hey Nicki – thanks for coming by this evening. Hope you had a good day. See you soon. Kellan
It took me a minute to figure out the italics were your comments. How cool is that?!
And yeah, I would never recommend warming lubricant. Obviously, there must be some people out there that like it because it’s available, but I did not find it at all pleasant.
I know, huh? I just figured out I could do that. And I won’t be going out to get any of that stuff. Nooo thank you.
Too funny! Thanks for sharing (…still can’t believe you actually recounted this story on the WORLD WIDE WEB!!!) :)
Oh my gosh, I’m so happy I stumbled upon your blog this morning! I needed that giggle! (don’t worry, I think everyone of us has some silly story to share…LOL)
Girl, you never cease to amaze me! I had a good laugh last night reading this entry…so, thanks:) i am sorry it was at your expense! I love reading about what you are up to…so creative- I am impressed.
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