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Notice: If you ever thought I was cool or slick or smooth…you’re about to be schooled.  If you know that I am capable of Chrissy Snow moments, mixed with a little Lucille Ball and topped with some Doug from King of Queens, this’ll just be a recap.. 

Now, for your reading pleasure, a list of really dumb things I’ve done.  My future posterity needs to know these things about me.

·   I was a major bookworm as a kid.  I always had a book with me and spent every free minute reading.  Which is great, right?  It is, until you’re read-walking down a busy street and run into a telephone pole.  I really don’t remember much about that except sitting on my butt dazedly looking for my dropped book and watching the people drive by who were, by the way, also laughing and pointing.  Rude.

·   Same road, different day.  I was minding my business, riding my twelve speed, when WHAM!  I was hit by a car from behind.  That’s not funny, you say?  I had a violin on my handle bars and was wearing horrible pink corduroy pants.  Come on, big nerd goes flying?  That’s funny.

·   Same bike, different street.  My Keds were pedaling as fast as they’d go when Little Brother called from behind.  I turned, and 1.2 seconds later ran into a parked car.  Hi Waayyyne!  That one really hurt.

·   As a teen I liked to chase my mom around Fred Meyer in one of those motorized scooters pretending to be, umm, retarded.  I would yell things like, “Mom, don’t leave me here like you did last time!”  I know, my grown-up self is totally offended by my dumb-A teenaged self. 

·   I used to have an old ’69 Volkswagen Beetle.  It had one windshield wiper, no defrost, and the driver’s side window didn’t roll down.  So I’m sure it makes total sense when I tell you that I threw the banana peel out the other window.  Except there was a policeman driving behind me, and he definitely noticed the flying banana peel.  In my defense, it was very frosty and I couldn’t see out my windows!  And aren’t banana peels biodegradable?? 

·   When I was eighteen I was driving a pick-up truck with one of those lame canopies on the back.  In Seattle those things get all steamy inside when it rains, which is like, always.  So again, I’m sure you’ll understand when I tell you that I backed into a cop car.  Because obviously I couldn’t see him. 

·   When I started this blog I decided to get a site meter so I could see who came to my site.  I have a stalker phobia, caused by a childhood affinity for Stephen King novels.  Anyway, I noticed someone visiting my site repeatedly, clicking around, and staying for long periods of time.  I immediately started hyperventilating and consulted Mr. Wright, my tech savvy husband.  He took one look at the offending IP address and said, “Honey, that’s you.

So anyway, if my village calls, just tell them I’m busy squeezing behinds and hiding from Jehovah’s Witnesses.  They’ll call back.